I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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