I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
