Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
3pm strippers are depressing
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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