I'm jealous of your bromance
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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