Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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