he thought i was a dude.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
