Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
