not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
