I just threw up on my dentist
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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