Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
