I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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