More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
