she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
