I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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