Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
