covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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