please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
