In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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