I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
