I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
