He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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