Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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