A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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