I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
