Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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