Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
