he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
