Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
