If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
