Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
