For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
