you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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