literally had 100 drinks last night.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
