you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
