I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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