Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
