theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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