Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
