does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
