Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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