She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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