If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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