just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
my liver is dry heaving
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
