I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
