If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
