I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
