i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
