if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
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He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
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Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..