I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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