so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
