she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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