it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
