I just threw up on my dentist
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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