Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
