Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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