I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
