I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
