Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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