If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
