need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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