Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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