I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
