Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
