Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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